How to Get Into Nightclubs on Your Own


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I love going out, there’s something about it that triggers something inside me, I’m not sure exactly what it is or why it happens but night after night, weekend after weekend I always find my way into some seedy underground nightclub, bar or more recently pub. The only problem is most of time I’m out on my own. The brunette doesn’t like going out as much as I do and my friends tend to prefer staying in rackin’ up lines surrounded by friendly faces. Ultimately both groups of people tend to think going out is a waste of time. Now granted, London’s nightlife is a bit of quagmire, whether its having to buy tickets months in advance or having to rock up at said spot with a female friend or two to guarantee entry, it can be a lot of hard work to get your two-step on on a Friday night. I kind of like it though, the harder it is to get in, the more I wanna go, hence my undying love and appreciation for the Berghain which is one of the best clubs in the world and well known for it’s uber strict door policy (of the 7 occasions I’ve visited I’ve only been granted entry 3 times) but once you’re inside you “get it”. On any given night you’ll scan the room and realise the snotty door policy pays dividends because everyone is cool as fuck and more importantly you’ll realise there’s ZERO dickheads in attendance.

Getting into clubs on your own is another story though and something I’ve been trying to perfect over the years. I was given a bit of an unfair advantage in the early days in Dalston because I used to promote parties on “the strip” for the best part of 5 or so years. During that time I became quite friendly with a small group of bouncers who rotated around the same 4-6 clubs. So if you wanna make friends with bouncers and influence people then follow these instructions…First off if you’re planning on a big night out on your own pop by the nightclub of your choice early doors, lets say 10pm – walk in, pay your money and get your stamp – on the way in chat to the bouncer or door girl – don’t tell them your life story, but a bit of banter will go a long way. Once you’re in, get yourself a drink or two and if anyone asks why you’re there on your own just say you’re waiting for a friend. Don’t latch onto to a group of randoms for too long, no-one likes a beg friend, find a nice spot where you enjoy the ambiance of the club and ultimately scoop the area. If you’re not too shy (you’ll be fairly sober at this point) have some small talk with the bartenders. If there’s a hot girl working there don’t be a creep, just say hi and keep it moving, remember it’s 10pm they’ll be plenty of time for you to come back around and use you’re terrible chat up lines on her, so don’t be weird.

After a couple evenly spaced drinks, make your excuses and leave promising the bouncer you’ll be back later on (he probably won’t give a shit or acknowledge you, but it doesn’t hurt to try). Once you’re on the outside pop into the nearest dimly lit bar and grab yourself a whisky on the rocks – and this is the important part – a bottle of water. Take that to the smoking area (if it permits) and start chatting to randoms puffing on their cancer sticks. If you don’t smoke, don’t start now you’ll look like a muppet and you’ll be coughing your guts on the dance floor later on, but if you’re really dead set on it grab a pack menthols cigarretts from the local offie and if anyone asks why you’re smoking that shit, tell them you’re recovering addict; always works. Rinse and repeat the above routine a couple of times before making your way back to the club and preferably greeting the same bouncer upon your re-entry. If you do this over a months and don’t get too wasted and make a twat of yourself, you’ll be well on your way to claiming the coveted title of “regular” –  an honour usually reserved for close friends and family. You’re welcome.

TL;DR – Don’t drink too much if you’re on your own and don’t be a dick to bouncers/bartenders.

This ramble was inspired by two great interviews with famous Mudd Club doorman Richard Boch which you can read here and here. His new book The Mudd Club is available for preorder now on Amazon.

Long Live Boiler Room

Although some of the criticism levelled against Boiler Room is valid I think in recent years they’ve become a bit of de facto “whipping boy” for gentrification and all its evils, which is extremely unfair considering the amount of work they’ve done over the years to provide a platform for artists big or small to showcase their talents to millions people around the world.

I guess people have short memories or maybe they’re just jealous that they didn’t come up with the idea themselves, because lets face it it’s a fairly simple idea. Turn on a video camera and document the events of the subsequent night and stream it around the world for all to see; FOR FREE.

Personally I love it. I guess BR came around during a time when London was besieged by cooler than thou parties for “friends and family” and here comes the new upstart in BR promising you that if you email a specific address (remember those days?) you too will have a chance of attending the party. It was the best and I got see some of my favourite DJ’s play in some of the most interesting venues all across London and couple times in Berlin too.

Granted there’s aspect of their operation that lean on the “tone deaf” side of things but we let’s give them the benefit of doubt, we live in overly sensitive times, where any slight missteps is totally blown out of proportion by professional SJW’s who more are concerned with placing themselves in the centre of “scandals” then rewriting societal ills.

Plus, I fucking loved the Notting Hill Carnival stream this year, having that on in the background whilst I got ready for Monday’s festivities was fucking great, it felt like you were there and ultimately put me in good spirits, thats a win win in my book.

The Peter Pan Story

I’ve been a big fan of Dr. Jordan B. Peterson ever since his appearance on JRE. His outlook on psychology and religion is intriguing to say the least. Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about our societal obsession with youth and our quest for immortality. Whether it’s magazine covers promising a particular skin care regime will turn back the clocks of time or our constant pursuit of AR, VR and multi-planetary systems. Many moons ago I went as far as toying with the idea of launching a magazine devoted to the idea of growing old gracefully as some sort of reaction against the constant deluge of “get young quick” schemes out there. Obviously I didn’t follow through but if you’re wondering what my point of reference was, then check out this video of Jordan Peterson breaking down the myth of Peter Pan. Fans of Disney look away now…